


Hold Me Now

by snuff



Series: Fem! Eren [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, I'm so sorry, Songfic, fem! eren, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1953762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snuff/pseuds/snuff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The war against the titans has been going on for too long. Eren is already giving up, not only on the fight but on Levi, too. Levi won't let it happen. But Eren has already made up her mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Me Now

**Author's Note:**

> I was listening to the song Hold Me Now by Red while writing this so...yeah...try listening to it...
> 
> Warning: really depressing shit coming up. But spoiler alert: I might write a second reincarnation part for this. I just think it kinda fits...? Idk.

More than once, Eren would think about giving up. Sometimes jumping into a titan's mouth seems too tempting to her. She even often thinks about acting out in her titan form so that the military police will have a reason to execute her. It just seemed like the best way to deal with everything. The loss and grief was becoming too much to handle.

It did not go unnoticed how she used excuses to skip out on every meal. How she spent extra time cleaning the corner farthest away from anyone, especially Levi. Everyone knew better than to approach her about it. They understood that she and Mikasa were mourning the loss of Armin, but Eren was soon getting out of hand.

Levi was the first to notice that.

About two months after Armin's death, Levi decided to visit Eren's room. She hasn't spoken to him since, and he agreed to give her space. But it's been far longer than it should, and Levi knew something was wrong. More wrong than it should be.

He knocked lightly on the door and waited for any kind of reply. He leaned closer to the wooden door and knocked again, listening for any kind of movement. Nothing could be heard. If he didn't know any better, he would think nobody stayed there. He knocked one last time out of etiquette before taking the knob into his hand and twisting it.

The room was an absolute mess. Clothes were strewn everywhere, some of them even torn apart, the rest not in better shape. The bed could barely even be seen under the piles of blankets and pillows and just  _stuff_ that Levi could barely even recognize. 

"Eren?" He called for his lover, walking over mountains of things to knock on Eren's bathroom door. He wasn't expecting the door to open and reveal the one person he was looking for. And he certainly did not expect her to look so broken. 

She was dressed in the same bloody shirt she wore on the expedition two months ago, and her hair looked like it hadn't been brushed since then either. Dark circles shaded her eyes, which were no longer the bright teal color they used to be, and she seemed thinner than the last time Levi had seen her. She looked so broken, yet so fragile. 

"Eren..." Levi whispered, his heart clenching painfully at the sight. She seemed to be holding back tears, but she couldn't fight off the shaking of her body. After a few seconds of just staring at each other, Eren collapsed into Levi's arms, sobs wracking her now-small frame. Her lover held her tightly, falling to the ground to hold her more securely. They remained in that position until she could no longer cry and Levi simply held her as she breathed into his shoulder.

"I can't do this anymore." She hiccuped eventually. "People are just gonna keep--" She was cut off by her own ragged breathing and she fisted his shirt weakly in her hands, "--dying. I give up. I've given up, Levi." She sounded like she was crying again, but her eyes were dry. She had cried herself dry and she found some disappointment in that. 

"Eren. You have so many people to fight for, still. Mikasa, Jean, Sasha, Connie." He leaned back and cupped her cheek, bringing her face up to look at her. Her eyes were sorrow-ridden, dark and shaded in a way that Levi had only seen in his own. "You have humanity to fight for. And I'll be there with you all the way." He assured. He knew the last sentence was not guaranteed, but he knew he would go to extremes to make it truth. 

"Levi, it's pointless." She said shakily. "People will keep dying. We can't win this war, why can't you realize that?" Her voice quivered with every word. She sounded like she wanted to shout, but her voice was so weak and full of sorrow that she seemed unable to do so. "How can I be Humanity's Hope when I've lost all hope? I just want to end this." 

Levi knew she wasn't talking about the war now. She wanted to end her life, not the he endless battle. He felt everything in his body twist unpleasantly and his grip tightened around her. "Eren," he began but was cut off by her small voice.

"Levi, my wings of freedom..." her voice trailed off and she gazed down at the space between her chest and Levi's, "they don't fly anymore. They're just a weight on my back and I want to get rid of it all." Just as Levi opened his mouth to talk her out of it, she spoke again. "You told me to pick the choice I will regret least. This is what I'm doing." Tears welled up in Levi's eyes as he brought her closer by her waist. "I've thought about it. I'd rather end it all now than wait to have humanity watch me fail them." 

"Eren, please," it was the first time Levi had cried in a very long time, and it didn't feel right; the way his throat closed up as if daring him to say what he wanted to say, and the way his eyes burned with tears, as if forbidding him of seeing what he wanted to keep so badly. "Stay with me, please." It was selfish of him to ask, but he did enough selfless things to last 2 lifetimes, and he was definitely not going to let Eren go now. 

"But Levi...Levi, I'm scared. I am so afraid of how all of this will turn out and I don't want to see it. Just let me go. I'll see in another lifetime, I promise." She held Levi's face in her hands and planted a lingering kiss on his lips. Levi could feel the way her lips were dry and chapped. "Promise me something, though." Levi buried his face in her neck as he cried. "Hold me until I'm gone." Until everything disappears. Until the fear is gone and until the wings that weighed her down fly away with her soul. 

Levi nodded and moved forward so he lay her on the ground and he was hovering above her. He looked at her face one last time and she saw his. She saw how he was shaking with barely contained sobs and how his face was contorted as he tried to hold back tears because he the pain was so suffocating and he felt as if it was all coming out with those tears. He wanted to stop them so badly. He wanted to return to his emotionless self and not pay mind to anything because that's how he liked to be. He liked to pretend he felt nothing. He could do it back then, even after his squad's death. But this was too much pain. It was too much for his body to pent up and he was sure he would burst if he kept it in. 

So for now, he sobbed as he held his love, peppering kisses on every part of her body he could reach. She just sobbed his name over and over again until he turned to look at her eyes, now filled with tears again. 

"Levi, I love you." She said between sloppy kisses. 

"I love you, too." He sobbed back, "I love you so fucking much..." 

Levi fell asleep with those words on his lips. He woke up still tangled up in Eren's body, his head resting on her small chest and his arms around her small waist. His legs were left in tangles with her. He nearly forgot about the situation, but then he saw what could've been the most terrifying thing he would ever see. 

A blade--he recognised it as his because of the immaculate appearance--was embedded into Eren's neck, appearing out of the other side. In a moment of desperation, Levi held her cold wrist and pressed his fingers to it to feel nothing. She blood in her veins was as still as her heart. He refused to believe that. His own pulse quickened and it thudded in his ears. 

He pressed his ear to her chest and pretended the sound of his pulse in his own ears were hers. He imagined she was still there...holding him until the pain lessened, the fear vanished. Until it was just him, her lifeless corpse, and his blood-soaked wings. And although he struggled to fly with all the rain and the excess weight of his lover's body, he still did it. 

As his own wings of freedom finally gave out under the weight of both of them, he was glad he could finally see her again in another life. Because he kept his promise, now she'll keep hers.

**Author's Note:**

> I AM SORRY. I actually cried writing this, but I hope you liked it!   
> Comment your prompts or just thoughts on this fic. I'll be posting daily until I run out of ideas.


End file.
